Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Flying the Coop(er)

In the Jungle of BHS there is no species more bewildering than that of a Cooper. From Momma Cooper to MBC, these creatures continue to intrigue and astonish us day after day. From barely legal bonfires to stints as prima ballerinas, the Cooper girls know how to get down and wiggle around. Where would the North Office be without the Tuesday baked goodness that is Cynthia Cooper?
The worst kept secret of North West Arkansas is that the ladies of Cooper prefer Jews. Fortunately, Cynthia did not seal the deal under a Chuppah and the world was blessed with Mary Bowman; the girl every asian wants to be and every girl wants to skin and wear the flesh of. But it takes a lot of effort to be perfect and MBC continues to be wrongfully held responsible for her own supremacy. Much of Cynthia's hard work has been overlooked. Until Now. I would like to take this opportunity to thank Mrs. Cynthia Cooper. If this lovely being was not there to plug MBC into an outlet at night or change little Mary's batteries every month, the world would posses one less A+ teenage cyborg. Cynthia takes her job very seriously. After all, the world isn't going to dominate itself. So move over Virgin Mary for never has anyone been more #blessed than when Cynthia Cooper received the gift from God that is Mary Bowman. Talk about some IMMACULATE CONCEPTION! Once MBC grows into that new boho chic afro and Cynthia receives her big girl business degree (courtesy of Woo Pig Sooie High) this duo will be unstoppable. Mary Bowman being her weapon of choice, Cynthia plans to takeover the world... one Ivy League University at a time (excluding Columbia of course, anything that churned out Barack Nobama is clearly below the Coopers). Anything/one that tries to get in their way will be destroyed and baked in to a delicious pound cake or transformed into a fabulous DIY throw pillow. And don't let appearances fool you. A girl responsible for the creation of this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WrwQePl1NNM may not seem like a threat, but her heels are designer and she WILL gauge your eyes out with them. So everyone prepare, graduation is only a year away and (after spending a lifetime eating only advanced math equations and tree bark a la CrossFit) MBC is hungry for blood. Plus with Matriarch Cooper pulling the strings, she's bound to satisfy every craving.

also MBC's bedroom wall is adorned with a cow skin.. I didn't know how to work that into this post, but like why is this family so strange (PERFECT)

Monday, March 10, 2014


Well folks it's the monday after. Gallons of teenage sweat and glow-stick residue have been washed down the shower drain, but the shame still remains. This blog post will most likely be a short one due to the fact that what happens at blacklight stays at blacklight (and the newsfeeds of 100+ students). Though there was a 100% decline in the number of couples engaged, this year's Blacklight (not)Rave was a success. It's a wonder that the festivities were able to go on considering the copious amount of delays and setbacks that plagued Blacklight. The student council was dismayed when the school's go-to electrical company refused to break the law in order to shut off the six emergency lights in the East Gym. The naive electrician who shut off these lights last year is most likely sitting in the Benton County Jail for breaching fire code. It appeared that the Blacklight dance would turn out to be the Brightlight dance -but as always- REYNOLDS (Jack Barry) HAD A PLAN.  After crafting a cardboard contraption to cover up the blaring lights, it was decided that there was no way students could shamelessly sweat upon each other in the blaring sun that was the emergency lit East Gym. The dance had to be moved. With forty five minutes to spare, transforming the pb&j caked floor of the south commons seemed like an impossible feat (StuCo was still blacking out entrance ways when patrons first arrived to get crunk). Nonetheless, under the beautiful dictatorship of Reynolds, blacklight was saved. 

Until the blackout. But blowing a fuse nowhere compares to the travesty of providing the chaperones with flashlights. It's difficult to choose between the male makeup/fur wearing sophomore or the young overzealous chaperone as the scariest sight at Blacklight. Mary Bowman Cooper was told by one responsible faculty member that she was "gross" and should "respect [her] body." If this flashlight toting peacekeeper found the whitest girl alive's moves "gross" one can only imagine what he thought of the subliminal sexual undertones of "Bat Attack" or Jack Barry's shaved armpits. Despite the faculty's attempts to light up the night and shame students, the tigers were NASTAY as ever (here's looking at you McCollum). The bible belt's hottest Caucasian rap(?) duo Underground Batz took the stage in an award winning performance and over the course of three hours only ten students entered epileptic seizures! Six of which were caused by said UB performance... All in all it was a night to forget. As we regain the use of our legs and our hearing is restored, I think it is important to remember the wise words of Blacklight Queen Jenna McCollum..."We can't stop and We won't stop".

Thursday, March 6, 2014

A Story of Stephen

Despite the fact that he is the son of a man who probes penises for a living, Stephen Aguilar has turned out fairly normal. This 16 year old has somehow escaped years of therapy and walks the halls of BHS with a smile upon his face and sockos upon his feet. But don't let his sunny disposition fool you; his heart is lined with more spikes than his perfectly gelled hair. And what is the crux of the Aguilar boy's problem? You see, Promposal season has officially begun. And with hoards of teenage boys storming the aisles of party supplies stores for car-taggable markers and latex balloons, Stephen has no lucky lady to present a cookie cake adorned with the word "Prom?" to. This sad fact most likely correlates with the surprisingly low statistic of BHS girls fluent in FIFA. Lately Stephen's entire attention has been focused upon advancing his professional folk/bluegrass banjo playing career, which has put a damper on the hunt for a prom date. But Stephen's biggest problem lies in the fact that he is an all around good guy. These days, girls want a Bad Boy Bieber, sadly Stephen does not drag race during the wee hours of the morning and has only peed in a bucket once (but he doesn't like to talk about that). So for all you ladies in search of a knight in shining Patagonia, look no further. If you would like to make this lonely boy's dreams come true, feel free to contact (479)586-9978: serious offers only please. And if this blog post doesn't convince anyone, I know of one ravishing female in room 151 that's still in need of an escort.